Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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