3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
