i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
