Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize