I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize