That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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