i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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