I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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