My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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