He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
