Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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