in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
