they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He better not be in your backpack
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
