You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize