the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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