Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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