I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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