I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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