I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
