I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
