saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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