I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
