i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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