His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
