Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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