i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
did i just pee glitter
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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