this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Welp...herpes.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
