You can't motorboat a personality
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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