The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
