If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
