Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
