I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
