I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
