i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
