Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
