I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i permit you to call me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
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