In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
