When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
