once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
