Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
