oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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