In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
