Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
