literally had 100 drinks last night.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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