Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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