plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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