Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
