So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
