I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
