I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
