It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦â€â™€ï¸
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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