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i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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