I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
