Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
