I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
