i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
