Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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