Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
