is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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