after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
