Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
