I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
