hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
ttyl tear gas
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
