you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
