She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
