Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
