I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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