Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
